


Broken Things

by evrymeeveryyou



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-06
Updated: 2011-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-27 00:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evrymeeveryyou/pseuds/evrymeeveryyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow I had managed to trick myself into believing that that would be all there was. All that she would expect. All that I wanted. That we weren't on the verge of something I couldn't control. Couldn't handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Stargate characters, ideas or themes. They all belong to MGM. I'm just playing with them a little.
> 
> Spoilers: I don't think so.
> 
> Author's Note: This is from Daniel's POV. Angsty Angstiness is promised, so steer clear if you're not big on the angst. This particular chapter functions more as a prologue than an actual chapter. We'll get to the really detailed good stuff soon.

It was the nightmares that started it.

I had managed years of keeping her at arms length, years before something seemed to break within her. P3X-492 broke her in a way I couldn't fix. I was sure it had to do with the Goa'uld technology we had found, the remains of the village we had discovered. The village had been decimated. And though she pretended she was fine as she always did, Vala couldn't hide the way her eyes widened, her lip trembled, her skin paled, her hands shook at the sight of this village. Not from me.

She had been skittish before we had gone there. She thought she recognized the planet's location on the star chart, thought she knew it from somewhere, complained that we should find out the true names of planets, not just our silly code of letters and numbers. Still, I don't believe she had placed her feeling of dread until she came upon that village.

I believe her terror is linked to memories of Quetesh. She will never tell me. It matters less and less why. After a month of this, all that matters is the fact of them.

The nightmares.

They twist her, pull her, beat her, tear her inside out. They burn her.

The first time I wasn't there. She screamed loud enough to bring a dozen SFs to her door to protect her, expecting an armed intruder and finding nothing but ghosts of the past circling a woman who didn't have it in her to fight them anymore.

That's when the visits to Dr. Hutchinson began. The visits did little more than keep the demons at bay. For the first time since the village, she could smile and flirt during the day and it was a welcome change. My heart warmed when she smiled and teased me, and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. But when she made it back to her quarters the dark would haunt her and sleep would either elude her or conquer her completely, leaving her to stare at the shadows on the walls or batter them, fighting off those demons she feared were returning to her.

I can't say I didn't know what I was doing. I knew. But I thought, maybe, I could help. There was a thought niggling at the back of my mind, that I owed this to the universe. I owed this to somebody. Because I had never had the chance to help Sha're through this very same kind of pain.

My mood has been just as dark lately as Vala's, the reminder bringing things long buried back to life. Still, I wouldn't be caught dead at Dr. Hutchinson's if I could avoid it.

Not for the first time, the similarities between the women in my life disturbed me.

Still, it was no mistake that I was camped out in my quarters across the hall for the entire second week of nightmares. It was no mistake that I had burst into her room night after night as she screamed, had taken the shots of her lashing arms and legs, had pulled her into my arms and held her, whispered words of comfort and solace to her and held her until she fell asleep again.

It was a mistake, however, that I fell asleep there with her.

That first night, waking up was awkward, like the classic 'morning after I slept with a big mistake' conundrum. We talked, but it was stilted and strange, and I knew that Vala had allowed me into a place that she hadn't intended for me to go. And I couldn't really admit to myself that when I was comforting her, when I was trying not to let her sobs tear a hole into my soul, I had done the same. Eventually, we had continued on with our days, continued on with our everyday lives.

That evening the next nightmare came.

That evening I wound up sleeping with her in my arms again.

And the next day. And the next.

There was never anything more than sleep. Never anything more than her, asleep on my chest, her arms wrapped around my waist, her face tucked into the space where my neck met my shoulder, her warm breath tickling me there. Never anything more than my hands skimming her back, my legs trapping hers, the vanilla scent of her hair filling my nostrils and wrecking my senses.

Three weeks of that. And somehow I had managed to trick myself into believing that that would be all there was. All that she would expect. All that I wanted. That we weren't on the verge of something I couldn't control. Couldn't handle.

Now, I could very clearly see the truth. I was more wrong than I could possibly understand.


	2. Raising Defenses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which Daniel has a very...Unending-like moment...

We're all a bit broken, in our own ways.

Up until his final extraction, Jack internally shuddered in the presence of Ba'al, although he did a good job of never revealing the fact. That's not even to mention any reminder of Charlie. Sam still cringes at the mention of Replicators. Apophis still haunts Teal'c. Mitchell gets jumpy, as though if he doesn't keep moving he'll wake up and realize he'll never walk again.

Vala has her nightmares and I have death.

We're soldiers fighting impossible things, as we have been for many years, and it's not terribly surprising that we would each be suffering with our own degrees of post-traumatic stress disorder.

How can it be that I consider myself a soldier? When did that shift happen exactly?

My own cracks and fissures answer Vala's now. Ruin Vala's now.

This last week I had given up on pretense. She had nightmares every night. I ran to her quarters every night to comfort her. Perhaps, if I just slept there from the beginning, she would never have these nightmares to begin with.

Tonight, we had come from playing basketball with Mitchell and Teal'c, hit the showers, met up afterwards, and I had just led her into my own room, stripped into my t-shirt and a pair of shorts and slid into bed. As though it was perfectly normal.

I tried not to watch her undress. Something about it felt too intimate for a friend helping another friend out. Yet, I couldn't force my eyes to look away when she pulled her t-shirt over her head, her curls, black as night, spilling over onto her shoulders, covering the straps of the cotton camisole she wore to sleep. I looked away for just long enough to miss the descent of her BDU pants over her hips, but not long enough to miss the end of the journey.

I swallowed hard as I glanced over creamy white legs covered just barely in tiny shorts. But I was doing alright. My body wasn't reacting to her at all. (Think baseball, algebra, linguistic variations amongst Go'auld dialects). Not even when she slid under the covers beside me, curling up against me.

This was wrong. I had started this because I had felt I owed this to Sha're. Now it seemed I was feeding a totally different desire.

I only had a moment to recognize that this whole venture was a long walk off a short pier. Only a moment for my body to come to life beneath her in a way that there was just no hiding. Only a moment to realize how easily she could break me before she uttered my name in that damn breathy whisper of hers and I knew I had lost. Which brings me to the moment I am in currently.

"Daniel?" She questions, and I know that the look I am giving her is not the look of a friend helping another friend out. Not by a long shot. "What - "

I press my lips to hers, gently at first, then urgently, and she tastes exactly like I remember, exactly like the memory that is indelibly burned into my brain. I don't know what I'm doing. God help me, I have no idea, even as she moves against me, her hand coming up to cup the back of my neck, the slide of her skin against mine is just the wakeup call I need.

I pull back. "What are you doing?" I ask her, rolling off the bed. And my mouth continues to have a mind of its own.

She looks up at me and there is dread in her gaze, like she knows what is coming and she wishes she could stop it. I realize I am not terribly unpredictable, even when I'm about to be completely unreasonable.

"What am I doing?" She asks, and her voice cracks a little as she speaks. "You kissed me!"

And sure - that is perfectly sensible. This is my fault. My slip that broke down the imaginary wall I built between us. But - the things I'm feeling in this moment - I need a shield. I need a shield so damn badly that I basically throw her up in front of the gun fire. I sell her out to it and I know I'm doing it. I'm aware that I'm blaming her for her own sexuality, and the idea disgusts me, but I can't help but wonder, what's the worst that can happen to her? We have a fight and I make it her fault. I hide my feelings and she comes out annoyed but unscathed, never having to tell me that she feels nothing for me, not the way that I feel for her. It becomes about sex, pure and simple. That's a battleground we can both fight on with me protecting my virtue and her advocating it as a means to an end.

Nothing more serious going on here. Nothing new under the sun. The roles seem right, seem fair - if only she would just slip into hers.

I still feel guilty for the purposeful deceit as I move the conversation in the direction that will keep me the safest and know it is completely at her expense. "This is what you were going for all along, wasn't it?"

"Yes," she answers and a chill enters her tone. "I distinctly remember asking you to come into my room and help me. Do you remember that call?"

I don't and I know she's right, but I keep at it anyway. I don't know what I hope to gain anymore. I'm not fooling her. I'm not fooling myself. "I came and helped you because you were upset. I was being a good friend." The words come out petulant.

"You came and helped me because you love me."

I can almost hear the shattering of my sanity. Partly because I know it's true. Partly because I desperately wish it wasn't. Not her. Not this woman who has done nothing but skate in and out of my life. Not this woman who has disappeared so many times, leaving me unable to sleep until I found her again. Who knew what the reaction to that loss would be if I owned up to what I was feeling? Who knew what losing her would feel like if I opened myself up to the wound? It already hurt too much with all of my walls in the way.

I lean down over her where she is sitting up on the bed, our eyes locked together and there is an edge in my tone borne of self-defense that I never imagined using on her. "I do not love you." The words are spat out and they cut her as they exit. I can see that and there is a part of my brain that is screaming at me to stop, that this is wrong, but fear can take over and drive the car when you least want it to, and suddenly you're lying to everybody just to keep yourself safe. "I came and helped you because you were a screaming, crying mess that was keeping half of the base up at night."

She smirks and it is the most vicious look I've ever seen grace her beautiful features. "For one, I'm sure your prescribed method of calming my outbursts absolutely falls in line with what you would do for anyone." She slides to the edge of the bed then, daintily grabbing her clothing from the floor and beginning to pull it back on as she speaks. "Also, you should know, I'm not a shrinking violet. I do not need you or anybody else to protect me. I do not know what you're thinking, but you do not need to rescue me!"

"Says the girl who visits one planet and shatters to pieces for an entire month!"

My horrible comment is barely out of my mouth when she comes up with one of her own.

"I am not Sha're."

It's almost as if she was always completely aware of my motivations. My entire body goes cold, fists clenching at my sides, teeth grinding together. I know I crossed the line, but... "What?" The word comes out as more of a hiss.

I guess that awareness came with knowing somebody well enough. I guess I'm more of an open book than I generally give myself credit for.

She walks towards me, eyes cold and hard, but her body is trembling. "I said, you don't need to protect me, I'm not your sweet, innocent, perfect wife. I am thankfully in possession of a backbone."

That did it. "Get out." I thrust my finger toward the doorway in a movement that is entirely meant to keep me from punching a wall in an uncharacteristic release of anger. "Get out now."

She finishes pulling on her pants and heads for the door while I fight the dark feelings swirling within me, my head angled down, my eyes averted from her, glued to the floor. When I hear the click of the door opening, I finally speak, fighting the tears from my eyes.

"She was not weak, Vala," I explain, voice coming out hoarse as I speak through the enormous lump that has lodged itself in my throat. "She was quiet but she was strong. She came from a different world than you did and you have no right to judge her based on your standards. You don't know a thing about her."

I'm still not looking up, but her voice drifts to me and this time it's softer. "Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I don't know a thing about her. And perhaps that means you should stop taking your measurements of me based on a system you created for her."

She doesn't speak again for a full minute, but I can feel her eyes on me. I can't look up. I'm too angry. And ashamed. Very ashamed.

The door clicks shut behind her and I'm left with a spiral of thoughts and emotions and it's enough to make me kick the bedside table, sending the lamp there crashing to the floor and shattering to pieces.

It is two hours before anything more eventful happens. And that event is the sound of Vala's screams as she lives through her nightmare.

I want to go to her. I'm clutching at the sheets to stop myself. After all, she made it perfectly clear that she can handle herself and I made it perfectly clear that I don't love her, so really, what reason is there for me to go? My pride won't allow it.

As the sounds of her tears fill my space, every single good thing I've done feels overshadowed by this one tremendous misdeed and still I can't bring myself to rise from the bed and go to her.

In the end, she stops crying, and seemingly pulls herself together on her own and I'm left in the room across the hall, completely destroyed.


	3. Something to Prove

It's a week from the argument before we go on our next mission and it's one that Vala has chosen for us.

These days, there isn't much to do in the Universe. It seems we offer more danger to each other than any surprise alien force.

Earth still tries to make allies throughout the galaxy, allies who can supply us with Naquadah to continue to protect our planet. Allies that we help way more than they can likely help us.

Vala claims that a visit to this planet will yield one such ally. So we go.

Mitchell, Teal'c, Vala and I step through the Stargate into a lush green field with rolling hills and a nice Spring-like stillness in the air. I want to comment on the idyllic conditions of the planet, but realize the only person I would direct such a statement to would be Vala, and Vala is currently pretending I do not exist. And I had earned that, hadn't I?

"Damn!" Mitchell barks, once he's sure that we're safe here in this new environment. "Well ain't this just a vacation?"

You would think by now he'd have been through enough of these seemingly peaceful planets for Mitchell to know that pretty doesn't mean easy. And I guess he probably does. He's a very optimistic person.

Vala smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. Still, her voice has a sing-song quality that tells me she's trying very hard to be playful. "Don't get too excited. We've got a job to do and the village is not nearly as pretty as the prairie is."

Teal'c and I are standing on either side of him, and Mitchell nudges us both with his elbows. "You know, I thought I was in charge here," he grumbles.

"Were you truthfully under that impression, Colonel Mitchell?" Teal'c questions, and though his voice still holds its usual tone, those of us who know him can tell that this is Teal'c teasing.

I snort a laugh as Mitchell grimaces at him.

Vala seems to ignore the conversation, only chiming in when she's sure we're done. "It's about a mile and a half in this direction." She stabs her finger in the air, pointing to our left and starts walking. She takes the lead, P90 at the ready, and we take on a diamond formation with myself and Mitchell at the center, and Teal'c on our six.

We're only walking for 15 minutes before I realize the gap between us is purposefully being widened by Mitchell and Teal'c. I've never been accused of being stupid, so eventually, I decide it's time to get it over with.

Without even bothering to turn towards Mitchell, I ask, "What?"

Mitchell chuckles in that way that says he admires your intelligence for catching on. "I could ask that same question myself. As in 'what' did you say to her?" He motions forward at Vala as if there could be anybody else he may be discussing.

I simply glare at him, then return my gaze to follow Vala's path.

"Oh come on Jackson!" He groans. "I'm not an idiot. You'd think with how long you've been working at the SGC, you wouldn't be either."

I wasn't even going to bother to respond to that one.

"Rumor mill moves quick," Mitchell continued. "I know about the nightmares and I know you've been taking care of our girl. And I know that you've stopped taking care of her. I also know that when she came to us with this mission, I didn't want to go. Landry didn't want to let us. Was concerned for her state. She visits Quetesh-land, she freaks, so she waits a month and then suggests another old Quetesh planet? Doesn't seem right."

He leaves it there, hoping I will supply some much needed clarity. When I don't answer, he keeps talking.

"So here's what I'm figuring," he says, adjusting the shoulder strap on his P90 as he speaks. "I'm thinking she has something to prove. She's embarrassed by what's been going on with her, which, God knows, she held out for far longer than was probably healthy, so she's decided she's going to waltz right in there and face her fears head on. And while that could be incredibly foolish not to mention dangerous for the rest of us, you backed the plan 150% to Landry, suggesting that maybe that's what she needs. And I think that's because you stopped helping her, but you're hoping that if she gets over it, you can get over how guilty you feel. So what is it? What made you leave the princess in the castle to conquer the dragon all alone? What did you say to her?" His eyes are narrowed and he's examining me, waiting for a reaction.

A heavy sigh escapes me, because I don't want to talk about this. I wish Jack was here. He's just as observant, but Mitchell pushes harder. Or maybe that's just because Jack never shared a team with Vala and I, so he never had to smack me in the face regarding such a dangerous subject. But then, there was Ke'ra...Even Teal'c and Sam always had something to say...

...come to think of it, perhaps I would be better off alone.

"I think you better leave the theorizing to Sam," I answer with a wry smile, hoping he'll just stop asking questions.

He rolls his eyes. "You've got rocks, she's got suns, I've got people. I get people. You ain't pulling the wool over my eyes here." He gave me a stern look. "I'm going along with this because I trust you. I trust you not to let foolishness get in the way of a mission. And the way I figure it, you know her better than I do, so maybe it would be best for her to face her fears this way. I don't like it, but I'll trust you with it. Can't make you talk about it, but all I'm saying is it better not get in the way."

I nod at that, an attempt to reassure him that everything is fine.

Everything is not fine.

I see that the minute the village comes into view. She stops short and stares at it and I know she's steeling herself against her fear.

"You okay?" I ask, and I regret the words the minute they come out of my mouth.

She turns her head to look pointedly at me and her eyes tell me that I'm still a jackass and she can't believe quite how much. She takes off towards the village.

"That's not an answer!" I call after her and now I know that Mitchell was right and backing this whole thing was a very, very bad idea. Under my breath, I mutter, "I am an idiot."

Teal'c, who has found himself closer than he had been for the rest of the walk, shoots me a disapproving glare. "Indeed."

Of course.

If I hadn't believed Vala to be insane for years, I would have begun to the moment she led us into a meeting of the village elders, ignored their frightened gasps, and said, "Hello. My name is Vala Mal Doran, and I once was host to the parasitic Goa'uld symbiote, Quetesh. Now as you may well know, that means that I was not in control of my body at the time. Still, I know of the unspeakable harm that came to you under Quetesh, and now that I have gained my freedom, I have joined the Tau'ri and am bringing them here in the hopes that you can form a profitable alliance with them. Is anybody interested in such an alliance?"

I hadn't expected it to work. And at first, we were all suspicious that it actually did. But, by the third day on the planet, and after long talks with the villagers, we began to see their acceptance for what it was – a natural extension of the world we had created upon outing the Goa'uld for what they were. People were truly starting to believe that the hosts to the symbiotes were as innocent as we claimed.

So, here we are on day 3 of our stay on Wenning, sitting around a brilliant campfire as the villagers celebrate our impending alliance. Though bold and probably a little reckless, Vala was capable of being a rather brilliant negotiator...when she wanted to be.

I dunk my bread into the remains of the stew in my bowl, and glance over at the figure sitting next to me, smiling her dazzling smile out at the surrounding crowd. Mitchell and Teal'c are around the other side of the fire, chatting with the Advigilo, the village's form of police.

It takes me awhile, but I finally force words to my lips. "I'm sorry." The words come out just above a whisper and I know that the only chance I may have at her accepting will likely be because I rarely bother to apologize where she's concerned.

That in itself is something to be ashamed of.

She nods and her ponytail bounces with the action. She wraps her arms around her knees, her boots planted firmly in the dry soil, her smile only slipping for a moment. "I'm sorry, too."

"You have no reason - "

"I took it further than was needed. I was hurt and I went too far."

Hurt? Why? I want to ask, just to get her talking about it again, so I can answer her the right way this time.

I correct myself. I don't really want that, do I?

So something else comes out instead. "You were brilliant in there," I chuckle lightly. "Didn't even need our appointed diplomat."

"You're always needed, darling," she answers. But then she stares out into the fire and she doesn't look back again until two of the five village leaders, Shaion and Euri, approach from the other side of me. I immediately spot them as their clothing is much richer than those of the other villagers surrounding us.

"Gentlemen," Vala grins, rising to her feet as the men, dressed in dark robes, ornately decorated with gold filigree, approach. "How can we help you?"

I scramble to my feet beside her as the men motion towards Mitchell and Teal'c. They join us shortly thereafter.

"Guests," Shaion says, "we wish to take you to our Great Temple. Dr. Jackson, you expressed a yearning for knowledge, and there is much to be learned there. Do you wish to accompany us?"

Vala looks to Mitchell and he nods his agreement. "Vala, Jackson, you go ahead. Teal'c and I are discussing a medical trade with our new friends. Radio if you need us."

"Absolutely," Vala bounces. She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "Let's go, darling!" She grabs my arm and tugs me in the direction of the temple. Her expression is complicated, and I can tell that she is uneasy about what I'll find in the temple. And instead of acting uneasy, she's acting excited.

In that moment an understanding of her hits harder than I ever expected. When she's vulnerable, she acts tough. When she's angry, she acts like she's fine. Instead of acting serious, she acts like she doesn't care at all.

She loves me. She's scared to death of it. I get that now. All of the games, everything is a smoke screen. And I treated her like shit in that room.

Because it still doesn't change the real reason I'm hiding.

The temple is a stone obelisk that stands out against the rolling hilly landscape. It does not feel like it belongs here.

"As you may remember," Shaion explains, with a pointed look at Vala "Quetesh forced us to build this as a monument to her. Since her departure, we have attempted to repurpose it, to use it for more productive means."

As we approach, I can see that large stone tablets have been placed up over the writing on the walls of the obelisk, and new words have been chiseled into the tablets in a slightly unfamiliar Goa'uld dialect.

Euri leads me to one stone sheet, while Shaion leads Vala to another.

Shaion is speaking, but I'm not truthfully paying attention. My eyes are scanning the letters, but this dialect doesn't seem quite right, and it takes me a little longer to get it than I should.

A little longer than I can afford.

I finally piece together what the first portion of text on this particular tablet says. "The keepers of the false Gods and all those who harbor them must be punished, for this is the will of the true God. No mercy shall be shown to any in league with such demons."

I'm already reaching for my side arm when I notice Vala doing the same. I catch Vala's eyes. Her wide, grey, horrified eyes. And I don't know what she read. I don't want to know.

I never get the chance to find out. I don't even have time to pull my gun on Euri when the rings come crashing down around Vala. She tries to jump out of the way but she is surrounded before she has the chance, and she is slamming against the barrier, screaming my name.

"Daniel! No! Daniel!"

And I race the five or ten steps it takes me to get to the rings. "Vala! NO!" I am still not in time.

She's gone in a brilliant and terrible flash of light, so quickly, gone onto some ship we didn't know was there. I reach for my radio and key it up. "Mitchell, Teal'c, requesting backup. There were rings, they transported Vala somewhere. These villagers are not allies, repeat not allies." My voice sounds twisted with grief. God only knows what they have planned for her wherever they have brought her.

And how can we ever know where they've brought her?

I know it's a theory but it feels like a fact. She's gone.

Seconds. Just seconds. And the world turned upside down.

I'm panicking. I can't feel. I can't feel anything but numb.

I barely remember Euri standing behind me. Not until he hits me in the back of the head and the world goes dark.


	4. Requiem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Stargate characters, ideas or themes. They all belong to MGM. I'm just playing with them a little.
> 
> Spoilers: I don't think so.
> 
> As I've mentioned on Twitter, I have jokingly named this chapter "The One Where The Shippers Kill Me." But what I really ask is that you hold on, trust me wholeheartedly, and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle. This is a bumpy one. Remember that I would never steer you wrong. ;)

I am lucky to be alive.

But I'm alive and I am home.

Vala was not so lucky.

Mitchell and Teal'c had swooped in and rescued me while I still lay unconscious. There wasn't much to rescue me from and they had already been on the way. They had realized that something was amiss when the Advigilo told them that the obelisk had been co-opted for use by a sect of vigilantes who believed themselves to be martyrs for the cause of eliminating all those associated with the Goa'uld no matter what their reasons.

Some martyrs. It was believed they hadn't tried for Teal'c because they were afraid of his bulk and his formidable reputation as a fighter. Or, as Euri had claimed as he had lain dying in front of the obelisk, it was believed that Vala would be enough of a tribute to their supposed new God.

As if Vala and I couldn't have taken them down if they hadn't approached us like cowards.

Either way, the rest of these supposed martyrs had already been on the waiting ship before we had even gone to the temple, leaving Euri and Shaion to complete the mission and escape onto the ship with the intended prisoner.

And kill me.

Euri almost had. As a matter of fact he'd made a decent slice in my neck before Mitchell shot him, and now I'm lying in a damn hospital bed with a concussion and stitches in my neck when I should be out looking for Vala!

Vala. God, Vala.

It's me having the nightmares now - although, not for the first time and, I'm certain, not for the last. The style of the nightmare depends on what is haunting me at that moment. It could be the various times I lost her before replaying in my head, the final scene comprised of that moment when I stood, powerless, as the rings came down around her. That one, while it's hell to live through, gives me hope, because all of the other times, she always came back to me.

The other ones though, the other ones, are an ugly dissonant compilation of all of the things I've ever said to her that I never should have said. All of the mean, sarcastic little comments and digs I'd made at her. And while I know it wasn't always like that, and most of the time when it did happen it was some kind of strange, screwy, form of foreplay (as hard as that is for me to admit, I can acknowledge that now), the worst of them all kept replaying in my mind.

I don't love you.

And the look on her face when I said it. Such a ridiculously untrue statement. And yet...

I don't love you.

Shit.

"Daniel?"

I look up in shock at the sound of her voice. "Sam!" The words come out scratchy and hoarse, partly from the slight bruising to my vocal chords and partly because of the tears in my eyes.

"Hi Daniel," she smiles, but it's weak. "How are you?"

"Better," I answer eagerly. "I'm feeling much better."

This makes her grin genuinely for a second, before it melts away. "It isn't me you have to convince to get out of this bed."

Well, she knows me a little too well. I am going to have to start making friends who can't cut through my bullshit like it's butter.

I sigh and it feels as though all of my energy leaves me with it. She sits down on the edge of my bed when she figures out I'm not planning on answering. For a moment she kicks her legs back and forth and I'm greeted with an image of what she must have been like as a child. Then she turns towards me and the look in her eyes is so sharp that all images of a more diminutive version disappear from my mind with ease. "And mentally? How are you mentally, Daniel?"

I huff a laugh and I turn my head to look at her. My misery must be well conveyed because her head drops sadly.

I try to be more positive. "I guess my state of mind depends on what you're here to tell me."

If possible, Sam looks worse. That doesn't bode well. "We tracked emissions from a damaged fuel cell on the escaping ship until it landed on a planet with no Stargate. the planet was not in our records. Teal'c was meeting with the Jaffa, trying to dig up any information on this new religion. They knew little, but what they did know was not very uplifting..."

"Sam," I answer, sensing that she's trying to sugar coat for me. "All of it. Please."

She nods and takes a deep breath. "The followers consider this their life's work. Zealots, like the Ori soldiers. They're purpose is to meet with other members of their faith and subject their prisoner to punishments they feel fit their various crimes. And then...sacrifice."

Why does that give me hope? That means we have time. We have more time to find her before they take that step. We can stop her from being sacrificed.

"Did the Jaffa say where they met? Did they know where this ceremony was held?"

"No. They didn't know. Daniel..."

"Well what about the team on the planet? Did they find anything?"

"Mitchell took SG-3 out to the planet. We didn't find any proof of any ceremony being performed. Daniel..."

I feel a presence from beside the curtain and I look up. Teal'c is stoic, but his eyes present something deeper, darker. Mitchell is stone faced but his eyes are red-rimmed and he looks like he hasn't combed his hair in days. General Landry seems to be in the same condition, having been clearly taken for a run of it since Vala disappeared – and he doesn't look very happy with me right now, likely blaming me for giving my support to this doomed mission.

This was usual. This made sense. My friends were gathering by my bedside because they were worried too and they needed to come up with a plan.

And then I see Jack.

Oh God.

I rub my forehead with my hand, hoping it will rub out the building pressure there, the intense feeling that my world is about to collapse.

God, this feels familiar. This is the feeling of all those years ago, laying on this same infirmary bed, being treated for the effects of Amaunet's hand device and grieving...grieving...

I don't bother looking up. "Oh God, you're here to tell me she's dead, aren't you?"

I wish the words didn't sound as desperate as they did. I guess it's because I knew, inevitably, they were coming.

I don't love you.

This had been exactly what I had been trying to avoid.

If I didn't play the game, if I didn't allow the relationship to go further, act like there would be some kind of fairy tale ending, then it couldn't hurt as much this time around as it had before. And how could I not lose her? Or how could she not lose me? People die working here all the time. I was being reasonable. Rational. Not letting my feelings get in the way of my job.

But never knowing what we could have been. Never knowing if we could have made it, how it would have felt. Never getting to go on that adventure with her.

I was a damned fool. This actually hurt worse.

When nobody answers, I consider the answer to my question confirmed. Air rushes out of my lips in a barely audible whimper as I ask, "How?", even when I'm fairly sure I don't want to know. But I have to. I have to know.

This time, when Sam spoke, her voice was clogged with tears. "We found something else on that planet. They landed the ship they had taken her with and switched to another ship. I'm not sure why. Could have been to evade us. Could have been the damage their ship had undergone." She sniffles and the next few words barely make it out. "Based on the condition of the ship, I'm pretty sure Vala found a way to sabotage it."

My fingers pinch at the bridge of my nose, trying to stem the flow of tears building there. "Atta girl."

Teal'c steps forward, laying a comforting hand on my shoulder. "It would seem Vala Mal Doran fought valiantly for the entirety of the journey to the alternate vessel. However, along the way much blood was spilled. Far too much blood for us to believe she could have survived the onslaught."

I can feel my throat jam up again. Was that hope I felt rising again? I looked up at Teal'c. "There was no body? That could have been anybody's blood. You couldn't have had the blood tested yet. How do you know it was hers? You can't know it was hers."

General Landry steps in then, Mitchell and Jack in tow. "We can't, son. Not until tests are complete. But there were traces of naquadah in the blood we found and we have no reason to believe there was any other Goa'uld, former Goa'uld host, or Jaffa on board the ship. Either way, we have submitted it to the lab for testing. Dr. Lam is working on getting us some results. But she can tell that the blood belongs to a female."

I feel a spark within and I grab on to it with all my strength. "Even if that was her blood, there was no body. She could have survived. We can still find her. We have to loo-"

"We are still looking, Jackson," Mitchell cuts me off. "We will keep looking. You know the deal. Nobody gets left behind. But, the amount of blood she lost...there was no way she could have survived the ritual they had planned for her."

"What was the ritual?" This time I look at Jack, who has been fidgeting and avoiding eye contact the whole time. "What ritual did they have planned for her?" I look him right in the eyes as they go wide, and his head shakes.

"Oh hell no, Danny-boy. There is no way I'm giving you those nightmares," he answers loudly. Then in a quieter, softer tone, "That's something we can discuss a little later."

Silence reigns and I find myself struggling to breathe.

They didn't find a body. After all of the times that she's disappeared and we've found her, there is still hope. I said a silent prayer to any god that was listening that she would stay strong and find a Stargate and come home. To us. To me.

"For now," Landry broke the silence, "we are declaring her Missing In Action. And we will continue the search for her as well as her kidnappers. Either way, we need to stop these people before they wipe out a whole hell of a lot of innocents."

"I want to be on a search team," I blurt.

"Dr. Jackson, I don't think that's a wise choice," Landry responds firmly. "Your emotional attachment to Ms. Mal Doran would only taint the search as much as it's tainted other recent decisions."

Mitchell avoids my gaze there, and I realize he has voiced his concerns. I want to be angry, but I know that he's just trying to keep me sane.

"But General –" I try, and I don't want to acknowledge how right he is with that statement. I just want to be out there looking.

"Daniel," Jack cuts in, a soft shake of the head meant to deliver the message that there is no winning this one for me.

I nod, then drop my head back into my hands. I scrub my hands over my face before looking back up at them. "I need to be alone for a little while."

The people around me make various sounds of assent, not bothering to argue because they know that talking to me any further would be more like torture for me than like help. They move towards the door. Landry squeezes my shoulder. Sam pats my knee. Mitchell claps my back. Teal'c bows his head towards me. And then it's just me and Jack.

It's never that easy to get rid of him.

"Listen," he says, slamming his hands into his pockets and rocking on his heels. "I'm going to be in town for a few days. If there's anything you need...anything..." He trails off because he knows that nothing can help. And the only thing I need at this moment is the one thing we can't find.

"Thank you, Jack." I drop onto the bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling. I can feel that he's still there. It frustrates me, yet when he turns to walk away I suddenly think of something I want to ask him. "Jack?"

He peeks back into the room, a smirk on his face that does little to hide the ghosts in his eyes. "Yes, Daniel?"

"Why are you here?" I ask and I'm not sure why it's important. It just is.

"For you, Danny," he says. "I'm here for you." And this time when he leaves I don't call him back.

It's been two weeks since she disappeared and I've been dreaming of her every night since I'd been given the news in the infirmary.

It's been one week since I left the base on a forced leave from Landry, after my friends, my team, realized that I was not in the mental state to be working. Landry told me that I needed to be off base for two weeks before I came back. It's comical that they think two weeks is going to fix this.

Two years couldn't fix this.

I think about how long it took me to cope with Sha're's loss and I laugh bitterly because I am completely misusing the past tense of that statement. I am still coping. I will always be coping. And I hurt Vala because of it.

I still stand by the fact that Vala was insane. But it was a beautiful kind of insanity, tremendous power directed to fight through tremendous pain, and if it made her seem a little loopy, if she had to be completely extreme to enjoy life for even a moment, than she should have been.

Funny how hindsight is always 20/20.

I wish I could have seen that when she was still here.

I couldn't work at the SGC because I kept expecting her to walk through the gate. Every unscheduled off-world activation had me running like a lunatic through the halls. The last time I saw her walk through. She wasn't there. My brain had completely made it up. A fantasy to alter my dreary reality.

SG-1 had been trying to get me to take some time off all week, but that was the moment I agreed. When I realized what my mind was doing to me, I had made my way over to Jack's interim office at the SGC with Jack in tow, sat him down in the chair and said the words I couldn't say to her.

"I loved her."

"I know," he answered, so smoothly that it was like an inadvertent smack in the face. "I didn't know her very well, but I hear it was pretty clear she felt the same way." And now a punch in the gut.

I laughed. "Clear? To whom?" Jack leveled a glare at me in response and I nodded, tears surging to my eyes, threatening to spill over. "Right, everyone but me." I dropped into the chair across the desk from Jack with a sigh. Once I'd gotten control of my emotions again (some semblance of control, anyway) I spoke again. "We had a fight."

Jack nodded. "Knew that too. Wanna talk about it?"

I spilled the story to him from the beginning to the end, culminating in the final expulsion of what had been nagging at the back of my mind the minute those rings closed around her. "I did this. I made her feel like I thought she was too fragile and she took that mission to prove that she was capable of handling herself. I might as well have handed her over to them on a silver platter with trimmings!"

Jack feigned shock. "I can't believe you're feeling guilty, Daniel! It's not as though you normally believe that you should have prevented every damn thing that goes wrong!"

"You don't think this is my fault?" I asked, genuinely annoyed.

"I think you would like it to be because it gives you more to beat yourself up about," Jack answered, coming around to my side of the desk and resting on the edge. "C'mon Daniel, you know that she had a very good chance of making that move anyway."

"I supported the decision."

"You would have done that anyway." When I didn't answer, he waited a beat before diving in again. "If you thought for a second that it would help her, you would have gladly backed the plan anyway."

Perhaps he was right.

"I need to get away from here for a little while," I declared, finally deciding that the time away was necessary. "Is the cabin free?"

I was only here two days when I got the call with the news. SG-12 had stumbled upon Shaion and his group. When questioned about Vala, they claimed that they had "burned the filthy whore" and that they would gladly die to spread the cause. They may just get what they wished for.

Fire. My throat tightened. My mind involuntarily returned to Ver Eger, to watching her burn alive in the fires of Origin and no matter how hard I tried to push the image down, it kept on resurfacing. Her fear. Her pain. Her loss. Mine. I couldn't save her then. I couldn't save her now.

I had held it together long enough to get off the phone and to inform my team that I wished to be completely out of communications for the next week. Then I collapsed under the weight of everything I had lost and I hadn't resurfaced until today.

Five days later and 24 hours since the incessant calls started. I turned my phone off and returned to the only thing I seemed to be able to do. Write. Write endlessly. Trying to reason out what had happened and why. Trying to understand how her life could have ended differently. How I could've avoided another tragedy.

I am finding nothing. No answers. It all feels like insane wish-fulfillment. I couldn't have known what was going to happen. Couldn't have prevented it. But should have taken down my damn walls sooner. Still, who knows - I may have done that just to collide with hers.

She didn't deserve this. Nobody did, but she'd been through so much. She really didn't deserve this.

A knock at the door pulls me from my reverie, and I eye the door in silent confusion, sleepless nights and grief making my brain slow to process why anyone would be knocking on the door to this cabin at 2 in the morning. Another knock follows.

"Daniel! Open up or I'm coming in." Jack.

I scramble to my feet, not out of an eagerness to answer, but out of annoyance. I ask for two weeks. Two weeks of solitude and he's banging down my door at 2 AM.

The door opens before I can get to it and he stops and looks at me in a mixture of relief and panic that I don't understand. "For God's sake, you should've answered your damn phone!"

"I told you -" I start, but he cuts me off.

"I don't care. You scared the shit out of me. Now get upstairs, shave," he eyes me for a moment, taking in my appearance, "take a shower for crying out loud, and get your things. We have to head back to the SGC. It's an emergency, so move your ass."

"No!" I practically growl. "I'm on leave. I wasn't exactly expecting company, and I don't need this right now, so whatever it is that's crawled up your -"

"What part of emergency don't you get?" Jack shouts. "We need you. Only you. And we need you now." His voice softens as he comes down off of his anger. "I wouldn't be interrupting this if it wasn't important."

I watch him for a moment and I know he's serious. This is something urgent. "Give me 20 minutes."

The shower is refreshing. The shave makes me feel more like myself again.

Nothing has changed. There's still something broken inside that I can't figure out how to fix, but I'm ready to get back into action, even if I would have liked more time.

At least, for a time, I can distract myself from my pain with work. Now there's a new concept.

When I find Jack by the front door, he's fidgeting, but it's a happy kind of fidgeting and he's got a great big grin on his face. Again, expressions I don't understand. With me and Jack, that's rare.

He hands me my phone with a know-it-all expression. "You know, you really should check your messages."

The phone is on and I pocket it, ignoring the text message he has opened it to. He rolls his eyes.

"Just tell me."

He nods. "Don't kill me for not saying it sooner. I knew if I said it immediately you would have bolted and I didn't think you'd want her to see you looking that way."

Something in my heart constricts. "Her?"

"They lied," he answers, smile widening until it practically takes up half of his face. "She's alive, Daniel. She's not in perfect shape. But she's alive and walking around the SGC. And asking where her Daniel is, so I think you'd better get home."

It takes me a moment to hear what he has said. To really hear it. And once I hear it I can really hear it, down to her voice in my head asking, in that lovely sexy voice of hers, 'Where's my Daniel?'

I'm in the car and starting it before Jack has even left the cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter to go...


	5. Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The final chapter!

I broke every traffic law I could to get here so quickly and now all I can do is stare at her door.

I can't believe this. My brain has reworked this a million and one times on the way over here, and all I can puzzle out is that the universe came through again. Vala is alive.

But it might not work that way next time. And that is all the catalyst I need to make sure that there is no misunderstanding between us this time.

I stare at the door.

Can't bring myself to knock. What the hell am I going to say? What can I possibly say to fix this? To mend what I've broken?

Is there a way or do I start fresh? How do I -

"Are you just going to stand there all day or are you going to knock?"

My eyes close against the velvet sound of her voice, filling my ears and spinning around in my brain. Vala.

I turn to face her, and try not to be shocked by her appearance. Her hair is pixie short, about as short as Sam's shortest style, and it doesn't quite suit her, but it doesn't matter. I'm not sure yet if it was a matter of disguise or something that was done to her. Either way, it's not an issue. It will grow back.

She is smaller than she was, thinner, and her black tanktop and BDU pants look like they are swimming on her. Her face is pale. There are a couple of still healing cuts on her forehead and her chin, and they stand out a stark red against her ghostly white skin.

It hurts to see her like this and she reads it all over my face. She smiles reassuringly, and slides her key card through to open her door. Sliding past me, brushing against me in the slightest, softest of ways, she walks through her door. When she looks back at me with a smile, it's haunted. "Are you just going to stand out in the hall all day?"

No, I wasn't. I walk into the room, hoisting the duffle bag I had brought with me from the cabin up a little higher onto my shoulder.

The truth doesn't really hit me until that moment, and when it does, it's got the strength of a freight train. It's as I watch her fragile and yet incredibly strong frame as she moves things around in her quarters, trying to clear the glossy magazines off a space so I have room to sit down.

She's alive. She's back and she was never really gone and yes, I just had the scare of my life, but she is here. I haven't lost her yet.

I don't know what she sees in my eyes, but she walks up to me, examining me carefully, her eyes narrowing as if she can peer through to my soul if she works hard enough. "Are you alright, Daniel?"

Am I alright? How on Earth or any other planet can you be asking me that question and not the other way around? "Am I-?" I start before bursting into hysterical, no, maniacal laughter and I realize how crazy I sound. How completely, utterly fucking insane I sound, and it makes me take her face in my hands and press my lips to hers to shut myself up.

It's a light, chaste kiss, but it changes the energy of the entire room. I press my forehead against hers, my hands still cradling her face, and that old familiar lump in my throat returns. It takes a few moments of me staring into her sparkling grey eyes before I answer her question.

"Better now."

"Oh?" She asks, eyebrow raised as though she's skeptical, but I can see she's fighting down a grin.

"There is so much I need to say," I tell her, "so much I need to explain. But none of that is important right now." I reluctantly pull back from her, my hands sliding down from her face, over her shoulders and into her hands. "The more important question is, are you alright?"

She moves to sit down on the bed, motioning to the chair across from it. I drop my backpack onto the floor beside it and settle into the chair, a chair that she normally sits in when she's brushing her hair or doing her makeup.

She pauses for a moment and her eyes are dark. Still, when she answers, she is all smiles. "I survived, like I always do. Lived to fight another day."

Something inside of me quavers. That answer isn't right. Isn't true. It's what I want to hear, but not what I need to hear. "Mitchell found your blood. Everywhere."

"Yes, he did tell me that you all believed I was dead," she nods grimly. "When I broke out, I found my gear. There was a healing device in it, and don't lecture me about having one when I'm not supposed to have one because without that I would never have made it. Anyway, in the end, I was fine."

"Stop it," I answer calmly. I don't want her to think I'm angry at her. I'm not. I'm angry at the walls both of us have built up. If I had a sledgehammer... "Please. Just tell me what happened."

She blinks as if wounded and though there's a spark of anger in her eyes before her next words, they still come out shakily. "When, exactly, did you earn that?"

I have to double check to see if I heard her properly. "Earn...what?"

"You saw me vulnerable once in the last, oh, year or so, and you mocked me for it," she responds, and her voice is choked with tears. "And I'm supposed to, what? Do it again? See if this time you'll take me seriously?" There is fury in her eyes and I put it there.

I knew it had been too easy. I massage my temples with my hand. "You're right. I haven't earned anything yet." I drop my hand from my face and lean forward, scooping her hands back up in mine. "I have lost alot in my life. No more or less than anyone else, I'm sure. But...I've had...a hard time dealing with it."

She watches me and her expression softens. Her head tips a little to the right, and it is as if she is poised to listen further.

"I...have a hard time accepting things," I admit, and I can hear my voice shaking. "I fight so hard against so many things. I never accept defeat. It's something I learned fighting the Go'auld, looking for Sha're, fighting the Ori…or maybe it's something I learned after my parents died. I don't know. More and more, as I get older I've refused to just accept anything is final or anything that may...shake things up for me, emotionally, anyway...without clear and definite facts. It's why I always thought you were playing games, why I never truly believed you were gone any of the other times..." I pause for a moment to gather myself, to gather my thoughts, to force myself to make sense. "I thought if I just didn't act on it...then there would be no tangible evidence."

She leans back in her chair and crosses her arms across her chest, an eyebrow raised as I speak. "Tangible evidence of what?"

"I thought, if I never said the words out loud, never acted on it, that I could pretend that I didn't love you. And then, if something happened to you, I would come out of it in better condition this time." I blurt it out and she glares at me in response. "It's stupid," I acknowledge. "It's childish, the equivalent of closing my eyes, covering my ears and stomping my feet until somebody goes away. But, God help me, I thought it was working."

"Thought?" She asks, and I can see the flicker of a smile on the corners of her lips. It is a weak smile, and she doesn't allow it to surface just yet. God, she looks so tired.

"And then you were gone," I answer, and my voice is a hoarse whisper. I can't look her in the eye. This whole thing, at the very least what I had directly caused her to go through, could have been avoided if I had faced this fear just a little sooner. My next words are murmured, barely audible. "And all of my denials...they didn't help. At all."

She reaches for a strand of hair to turn on her finger, then grimaces when she realizes her long, jet black locks aren't there anymore. Still, she is suppressing a smile, and this time it is shining in her eyes, radiating from her entire being in a way I didn't think could be possible after what she had so recently been through. "So, what you're saying is..." She trails off, and I realize just a second later what it is she is waiting for me to say.

"..that I love you," I say, definitively, allowing no arguments or doubts. My eyes meet hers and I'm pretty sure she's seeing the tumultuous mix of pain, fear and open adoration that is jumping through my brain in this moment. To her credit, her eyes are completely unreadable. "That I need you. I want a relationship with you. I want to see where this thing goes. That losing you just about broke me." My voice cracks with these last words and I'm actually surprised it didn't sooner.

She purses her lips as though deep in thought. She stays like this for a moment and it is torturous. And then, her eyes light up and she flashes those perfect teeth in a smile bigger than any smile I've seen from her since the nightmares began. "You love me?"

"I love you," I say again, and I can't help but reflect the smile she is beaming my way. "And everything else...I'm sorry."

"Well," she says, and she slides off of the edge of the bed and makes her way over to my chair. "I didn't exactly make everything easy for you." She slides onto my lap, draping her legs over the arm of the chair. The warmth of her there manages to thaw out any ice that was still clinging to me from this month and a half from hell. "And here I've always thought the reason you were steering clear was because you thought I wasn't serious."

I'm so happy to have her here that the giddy laughter is back. "Oh, Vala, that was only the first layer of denial. I got over that one a little while ago. This is layer number two."

She comically flops her head onto my shoulder and wraps her arms around my neck. My arms find their way around her waist. "My gods! Any more where that came from?"

"Not that I know of," I answer, and it is the most honest answer I can give. I'm still terrified some other deep part of my psyche will rear its ugly head and ruin things again.

Silence reigns in the room for a moment, and I count her breaths as she takes them, because I'm just so glad she still is.

And then...

"They cut my hair off almost the minute I entered the ship," Vala announces, her voice timid, and I can hear the tears as she speaks. "It was after I attacked them for taking me. Once they had subdued me, they...just hacked it all off. They claimed it was some penance for Quetesh's more…sexual…injustices. It wasn't this neat when I first got here. Sam helped fix it up for me."

My heart stutters in my chest, and I am all at once angry for what has been done to her and so very grateful that she is finally letting me in. I look to her and I'm pretty sure the look on my face says it all. She shoots me a meaningful, weighted glance and I nod, telling her to go on.

She tells me everything. Every single thing that happened while she was gone, every horror she faced. Not even just during this particular abduction, but everything. She talks about how it felt to give birth to Adria and to watch her taken away, how it felt when she was defeated, what it was like for her as a host, and after she was a host. And I give back. I talk to her about my parents, foster homes and Nick. I talk to her about Sha're. What it was like to watch her give birth to Shifu. How it destroyed me when she died. When I died. Ascension and everything I didn't remember about it. How much I had changed since meeting Jack.

And as we speak we move from our chair, to sitting on the floor because her muscles are still sore and she needs to stretch them, to lying on the bed with her cradled in my arms. We cry for each other and we laugh for each and we rage over our inability to be there for each other for some of our earlier traumas.

Hours pass though it doesn't feel that way, and it's nearly dinner time the next day before we're done. She's fed me with energy bars she has stashed in her drawers, both of us unwilling to leave.

It's that last topic of conversation that changes the mood of the day. The topic of the evolution of my personality during my time at the SGC.

"...and I was scrawny...and the hair..." I grumble, and I'm trying to be entertaining.

She laughs, from her place beside me on the bed, and she lifts herself up onto her elbow and looks down at me. She may have been beaten down, but her smile shows through, radiant as ever. "I saw a picture of you from then. You were so adorable!" And she squeaks it like she's discussing a two year old and not a full grown man.

"Adorable?" My eyebrows raise, and I can't even attempt feigning insult. I just don't have it in me after all we've recently been through.

She reaches out and runs her hand over my cheek. It's an old, familiar gesture between us, but it's never held more meaning than it does in this moment. "I love you, Daniel," she whispers. My eyes close against the feeling of her touch and the feelings her words invoke in me. So I never see it coming. Before I know it, her lips are pressed against mine, gently at first and then hungrily and I'm swept up. I pull her down on top of me, crushing her against me, exploring her mouth like it's the last time I will ever experience it because I'm finally understanding that every time may just be that last time - instead of fearing it, I need to value it, embrace it and let myself feel whatever I need to feel.

She always claimed I was too uptight. Maybe she was right.

I relish her warmth against me. My hands are sliding down her back, cupping her rear, bringing her closer to me, almost as close as two people could be. Almost. But we could be closer...

And then she pulls away from me, sitting up in bed beside me, her breathing heavy. I would be concerned if she wasn't grinning so damn hard. She drops her head into her hands and lets out a frustrated groan. "I can't believe I'm about to say this."

Again, my eyebrows are inching their way up my forehead.

"I can't have sex with you tonight, Daniel." She blurts the words out and then looks at me with a wince, turning her face just slightly so she's peeking out at me from behind her hands. She looks tentative.

"Okay," I answer simply. I've been waiting too long for this to rush it. And I had earned any discomfort she may have towards the idea. Still...I can't really believe she's saying it either.

"You see, I'm all beat up because of those..." She trails off, and I can see the shadows pass behind her eyes, a reminder that as good as our spirits are in this moment, this is not over. When the nightmares come again, they will be worse. But this time, I will be there.

"I know." I nod. "Just got a little carried away." I take a deep breath. "I've missed you." The words come out before I realize what I'm really saying. "I was scared to death, Vala."

She drops backwards onto the bed again, cushioning her head on my chest. "As opposed to myself, who was actually dead," she remarks in a cheery tone that I instantly recognize as self-defense.

I shoot her a baleful glare.

"Fear is not something you readily admit to," she points out.

"Nor do you."

"I was pretty frightened myself."

"But you're home now," I remind her.

"And safe in the arms of my..." She tilts her head slightly, and I can see she's rolling a thought over in her mind. "And what exactly would I call you now?"

She's playing a game but I know she's looking for reassurance. "Boyfriend?"

She lifts herself up onto her elbow again, but her eyes are studying the wrinkles in my t-shirt. She runs a finger across them idly. She has no idea what she's doing to me. Scratch that- she knows exactly what she's doing to me. Always has.

She frowns. "Boyfriend is a delightfully trite word, isn't it?"

I laugh at her disapproval. I'm not a fan either. "Lover?" I offer.

Her eyes meet mine and she grins wickedly. A low, dirty laugh escapes her and it holds promises for the future. She pokes me hard in the chest. "And now you're getting ahead of yourself, darling."

I lean forward, taking her lips with mine again, but try not to be over eager. I need her to understand that I'm not going to push this. I whisper the next word against her lips. "Partner?" And to me it sounds like a borderline marriage proposal. I surprise myself with how ok with that I am. She however, doesn't look at it that way.

She laughs out loud at this one, smacking me in the chest. "Yes, now we sound like the stars of a friendly police movie."

Buddy cop movie, my brain instantly corrects her. But I don't bother saying it out loud. Finally, I shrug. "You've got me."

Her stomach growls...loudly.

"Hungry?" I ask, which earns me an eye roll. "Yeah. Me too. Why don't we go to the mess and get something to eat?"

"But how do I tell people what we are now?" She asks, and the taunting sound in her voice is a clear challenge. Not only is she telling me the rules of our relationship, but she's challenging me to balk.

No balking this time. Besides - with the way everyone has been acting the last couple of weeks, it's pretty clear everybody knew I was in love with her long before I was willing to admit it.

"Well, we can just tell people that we're together now," I say, and my tone is floating somewhere between nonchalant and meaningful in reaction to her challenge. "As for what to call me...I can just be your Daniel." I feel the grin overtaking my face as I see one mirrored in her own. "You could be my Vala. Who needs titles?"

"Well," she huffs and tries to bounce out of the bed with her usual exuberance, but her injuries slow her down slightly. Her next words are tempered by a slight groan of pain. "That's nothing new. You've always been my Daniel."

She heads for the door and I rush to follow. When we're side by side, I let out a long suffering sigh. "Yeah, that's probably true."

She unthinkingly bumps me hard with her shoulder and then grimaces with pain from a bad bruise she has there.

"Damn, sorry," I say, rushing to massage the injury.

"Yes, Daniel," she smiles, and she's staring at me like I've finally lost my mind - which I'm pretty sure I have. "You're sorry I hit you." She shakes her head and then holds her hand out to me, the final test. "Come on, darling. Do you think they have pizza today? I'm famished."

And just like that, the walls around us had been broken down. I take her hand and it's the most perfect moment I've experienced in a very long time because we know where we are, who we are to each other and where we're going.

Things won't always be that way. I have always been able to see the flaws in our relationship and I can foresee the fights I'm sure we'll have. Push that aside, and it remains true that the SGC will have a new enemy to battle - yet another one that will cause personal scars for Vala. The fear and the nightmares that we've both been facing for so long are not bound to go away.

It's true, the group of us had been battered pretty badly. Each of us found our ways to cope with the things we found difficult to face. And in that moment, when I look at Vala I see hope that if we scrape up all the slivers and shards and try to puzzle them back together, maybe two broken things can eventually figure out a way to become whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done! I hope you guys loved reading it as much as I loved writing it!


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